5 habits of truly happy marriages, according to a marriage expert

5 habits of truly happy marriages, according to a marriage expert5 habits of truly happy marriages, according to a marriage expertMarriagetakes work. Everyone knows this. But what many dont realize is that they might be working on the wrong things. Or even working on the right things in the wrong way.In our culture, theres so much focus on getting together rather than on being together and stayinghappy together, says Suzann Pileggi, who, along with her husband, James Pawelski, director of education at the University of Pennsylvania Positive Psychology Center, authoredHappy Together Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts.Looking at positive psychology research and binnenseeing what is it that can actually lead to ahappier marriage.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moraPositive psychology is the science of strengths and looking at what makes individuals and co uples thrive. The research shows that, if youre focusing mora on growing the nuggets of whats good, you have a better chance of having ahappy relationship. In other words, know your strengths and spend time maintaining them. Here, then, are five tips that Suzann and James say will lead to better days for you and your spouse.1. Cultivate a healthy passionThat idea of starry-eyed lovers who are forever on each others minds and obsess over each other daily? Total B.S. In fact, per Pileggi this thinking is detrimental, as it can give rise to the idea that obsessive passion is a healthy thing.In the beginning of arelationship, you cant stop thinking about your partner, you might be distracted at work, you might cancel plans with friends to see your girlfriend or future spouse, she explains. But if that continues months or years into the relationship and youre not seeing yourfriends anymore, youre not engaging in activities that you did before the relationship, and you cant focus on anyth ing else, that could be more of an obsessive passion.In order to create a healthy passion, Pileggi says to be sure to make room in your mind for your other interests and other people. Then, when you are with your partner, find ways to connect over things that you both enjoy. Its about forging a deeper bond, not trying to be competitive, Pileggi says. So dont choose something that you really like and enjoy and your wife has no interest in. The idea is to connect, not to compete.2. Embrace the upsideAt thebeginning of a relationship, positive emotions are flowing with regularity. Excitement, joy, passion are all right at your fingertips. But, as the relationship progresses and you both get more comfortable with each other, some people expect that those positive emotions will just happen without any effort. Not so.The research shows that thehappiest coupleswith the most sustainablemarriagesare the ones who actively cultivate them all the time and prioritize them as opposed to waiting a round for them to happen, she says. Because, like with anything, the newness of something, those heightened positive emotions, the level and the frequency just naturally dont occur as much as in the beginning of a relationship, the falling-in-love stage.So, couples inlong-term relationshipswho are looking to cultivate positive emotions have to ask themselves what can they do each day, what activities or actions can they do in order to keep positive emotions flowing in a marriage.Imagine if you just bought a gym membership and went once and then said, Okay, now Im going to be fit, Pileggi says. No, you work out regularly and throughout your lifetime.One activity that Pileggi and her husband discuss inHappy Togetheris a Positive Relationship Portfolio, And yes, it is actually a portfolio of pictures, mementos, and other such items that mean something in your relationship. If thats your style or not, we get it. The point of the exercise is to devote time to thinking about the hintergru nd memories, which, per Pileggi, is extremely important. However you do it is up to you.3. Savor experiencesPositive emotions and moments are fleeting. Pileggi says that its important to slow down and take time to enjoy them. Research shows that if you spend at least 15 minutes savoring something you could increase your satisfaction, she says. One way to do that is sharing secrets with one another. Ask your spouse about a favorite childhood experience, or a secret they never told anyone or big idea or dream they always had for the future. The point is this The more you open up and talk about these sorts of things, the deeper a bond youre able to create.4. Locate and focus on character strengthsWhat are your partners strengths? Do you know? Positive Psychology researchers have identified 24 character traits that people possess in different measures. Things like creativity, curiosity, zest, love of learning, leadership. Pileggi recommends taking a Character Strengths test with your pa rtner (one is availablehere).Then, once youve determined what your strengths are, you can have conversations with each other about them. From there, Pileggi says, you both can go on what she and her husband call a strength date. Sounds weird right? But the idea is sound each of you to pick a top strength and go on a date that plays to - and satisfies - both of them.5. Emphasize gratitudeIf your partner feels taken advantage of and not acknowledged, theyre not going to be satisfied, she says. And just saying thanks isnt enough.An example If your spouse gives you a schadstoff or does something kind for you, dont just thank them, but also say something like, You really know what I need and youre such a good listener. or Youre so thoughtful, and I can see how thoughtful you are with our children and the way you are at work.Its about being deliberate and specific in how youexpress appreciation for your partner.Express your thanks and express it well, says Pileggi. Which means focusing on your partner and her actions and her strengths rather than solely on the gift and the benefit to you. The end result Per Pileggi, couples who did this decreased their chances of breaking up six months later by 50 percent.This article was originally published on Fatherly.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Franklins daily schedule that will ersatzdarsteller your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people5 habits of truly happy marriages, according to a marriage expertMarriagetakes work. Everyone knows this. But what many dont realize is that they might be working on the wrong things. Or even working on the right things in the wrong way.In our culture, theres so much focus on getting together rather than on being together and stayinghappy together, says Suzann Pileg gi, who, along with her husband, James Pawelski, director of education at the University of Pennsylvania Positive Psychology Center, authoredHappy Together Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts.Looking at positive psychology research and seeing what is it that can actually lead to ahappier marriage.Positive psychology is the science of strengths and looking at what makes individuals and couples thrive. The research shows that, if youre focusing more on growing the nuggets of whats good, you have a better chance of having ahappy relationship. In other words, know your strengths and spend time maintaining them. Here, then, are five tips that Suzann and James say will lead to better days for you and your spouse.1. Cultivate a healthy passionThat idea of starry-eyed lovers who are forever on each others minds and obsess over each other daily? Total B.S. In fact, per Pileggi this thinking is detrimental, as it can give rise to the idea that obsessive passion i s a healthy thing.In the beginning of arelationship, you cant stop thinking about your partner, you might be distracted at work, you might cancel plans with friends to see your girlfriend or future spouse, she explains. But if that continues months or years into the relationship and youre not seeing yourfriendsanymore, youre not engaging in activities that you did before the relationship, and you cant focus on anything else, that could be more of an obsessive passion.In order to create a healthy passion, Pileggi says to be sure to make room in your mind for your other interests and other people. Then, when you are with your partner, find ways to connect over things that you both enjoy. Its about forging a deeper bond, not trying to be competitive, Pileggi says. So dont choose something that you really like and enjoy and your wife has no interest in. The idea is to connect, not to compete.2. Embrace the upsideAt thebeginning of a relationship, positive emotions are flowing with regul arity. Excitement, joy, passion are all right at your fingertips. But, as the relationship progresses and you both get more comfortable with each other, some people expect that those positive emotions will just happen without any effort. Not so.The research shows that thehappiest coupleswith the most sustainablemarriagesare the ones who actively cultivate them all the time and prioritize them as opposed to waiting around for them to happen, she says. Because, like with anything, the newness of something, those heightened positive emotions, the level and the frequency just naturally dont occur as much as in the beginning of a relationship, the falling-in-love stage.So, couples inlong-term relationshipswho are looking to cultivate positive emotions have to ask themselves what can they do each day, what activities or actions can they do in order to keep positive emotions flowing in a marriage.Imagine if you just bought a gym membership and went once and then said, Okay, now Im going to be fit, Pileggi says. No, you work out regularly and throughout your lifetime.One activity that Pileggi and her husband discuss inHappy Togetheris a Positive Relationship Portfolio, And yes, it is actually a portfolio of pictures, mementos, and other such items that mean something in your relationship. If thats your style or not, we get it. The point of the exercise is to devote time to thinking about the fond memories, which, per Pileggi, is extremely important. However you do it is up to you.3. Savor experiencesPositive emotions and moments are fleeting. Pileggi says that its important to slow down and take time to enjoy them. Research shows that if you spend at least 15 minutes savoring something you could increase your satisfaction, she says. One way to do that is sharing secrets with one another. Ask your spouse about a favorite childhood experience, or a secret they never told anyone or big idea or dream they always had for the future. The point is this The more you open up a nd talk about these sorts of things, the deeper a bond youre able to create.4. Locate and focus on character strengthsWhat are your partners strengths? Do you know? Positive Psychology researchers have identified 24 character traits that people possess in different measures. Things like creativity, curiosity, zest, love of learning, leadership. Pileggi recommends taking a Character Strengths test with your partner (one is availablehere).Then, once youve determined what your strengths are, you can have conversations with each other about them. From there, Pileggi says, you both can go on what she and her husband call a strength date. Sounds weird right? But the idea is sound each of you to pick a top strength and go on a date that plays to - and satisfies - both of them.5. Emphasize gratitudeIf your partner feels taken advantage of and not acknowledged, theyre not going to be satisfied, she says. And just saying thanks isnt enough.An example If your spouse gives you a gift or does something kind for you, dont just thank them, but also say something like, You really know what I need and youre such a good listener. or Youre so thoughtful, and I can see how thoughtful you are with our children and the way you are at work.Its about being deliberate and specific in how youexpress appreciation for your partner.Express your thanks and express it well, says Pileggi. Which means focusing on your partner and her actions and her strengths rather than solely on the gift and the benefit to you. The end result Per Pileggi, couples who did this decreased their chances of breaking up six months later by 50 percent.This article was originally published on Fatherly.